What to Do About Aloneness and Loneliness

Loneliness and feeling alone are topics that have come out in the open and discussed freely. A few years ago, feeling lonely was embarrassing to the listener and the person trying to share. There are a few reasons for this, and one of them is that one knows how to help a lonely person.

Loneliness

I researched the topic of loneliness for a blog post I wrote a few years back. I moved to a tiny town in Portugal, and it was the most lonely year of my life. I wanted to understand more about this feeling and how to overcome it when you are not quite in control of your surroundings.

My Research

I found articles about how to find new friends through book clubs and meetings. I was doing a lot of those things already, but most of them were online due to my geographic location. Creating new hobbies and participating in events is essential to deal with that horrid feeling of loneliness. It minimizes aloneness, and that will provide a fantastic relief. So basically, the tip is to stay busy. But this is not a cure.

The Pandemic’s lockdown has hurt many people. I noticed that some acquaintances find it hard to meet over Zoom or chat over an App. They told me that they don’t have the energy to pretend to be interested in someone else’s life.

Photograph by Marguerite Elvas PT

Fear

I chatted with a person who said that he was excited to visit his family after more than a month in isolation. I’ll refer to him as Peter but, that is not his real name. After an hour with his family, Peter wanted to go back home. He kept his mask on inside his family’s home, but most family members did not wear one. They wanted to hug him, and Peter stepped back and asked them to please respect distancing. Peter felt horrible, but he knew that the younger generation was not careful and socialized outside their health circle. Peter felt insecure about the virus and did not trust his family members. Peter said that it would be challenging to go back to his old life of being around many people again. Peter misses everyone, but his survival is too important.

It was interesting to discuss the distrust Peter felt for other people. The first thing that Peter thinks about when he sees someone is if they have been distancing and respecting all the tips to stay safe. Peter said that he looks at people as potential spreaders and not as a friendly person with whom he would like to go out for a coffee.

Watercolor by Marguerite

Cocooning and Aloneness

I could not argue with any of Peter’s ideas. The virus has made many of us more fearful and, cocooning has become a way of life. It’s incredible how easy it is to change one’s lifestyle. I remember the first few weeks of one of my lockdowns as being a surreal and challenging thing. When I hear that our lockdown may last longer, I take out a notebook and schedule my days to avoid lethargy and depression.

How do we Implement my Lockdown Knowledge

I thought about the people I spoke to and the things I learned about loneliness and aloneness. I remembered my little survival button went on as soon as I heard that I could not leave my house. I wonder how I can use this from now on. For now, all I can think of is to use the day-schedule as a tool.

Schedule

I schedule three-quarters of my day. I make sure that I start each day differently. Some mornings begin with a lazy coffee in bed while I listen to the news, and other mornings I jump out of bed and exercise. I love the mornings that I wake up early, make a cup of coffee, and write. I’m more creative in the morning.

Photo by Caroline Attwood on Unsplash

Food

There are days that I spend time prepping meals. Chopping veggies and fruit is very calming. I like to have things ready so that I can make a quick lunch. I do enjoy making more elaborate meals and setting the table to pretend that I am eating out. I am very attentive to not becoming bored with food. I tend to eat when I am nervous, which becomes minimized when I have my fancy dinners.

Photo by Marguerite Lisbon PT

Exercises

Movement is crucial for my mental health. An alarm will notify me to get up, move and, breathe (meditate.) The notices are essential on my “sofa days” when I give up and binge on videos. Yes, I do have those days, and I allow myself to do them. If I force myself to move every 1 1/2 hours, I feel much better, and the video binging doesn’t last that long. I enjoy my transformation from lounge-lizard to active and happy Marguerite. That creepy feeling of aloneness or loneliness melts away.

You will need to test out different things that will help you to avoid nothingness. It’s challenging to do this alone, but if you think of it as a challenge that you want to win, it will become more attractive.

The first thing that you need to do is to change your daily routines. If you don’t want to create new ones, change the order of your habits. Every day has to be different. You don’t want to get out of bed every morning and think, “Oh no, I have to do exercises with that stupid video again!”  Stay in bed, have a cappuccino and then get up!

Do your research and spend time testing things out. You will enjoy that. It will give you more control over your life and a sense of confidence.

Photo by Marguerite PT

That Dreadful Feeling of Loneliness

You will find out that you will feel less lonely if you are busy doing things that you like. You (we) still need to face the fact that you are lonely, and I suggest tackling this slowly and carefully. Look for online groups. A book club or an art club allows you to interact with people. I love doing interactive online classes. I found a few online meetings where we chat a bit, and those have helped me so much during the lockdown and when I am not in lockdown.

The key to helping yourself is to start slowly and not to have any expectations. Be attentive to how you feel during the day and find ways to spoil yourself. I love to have a cappuccino and listen to murder mystery books. I also love to create flower arrangements for my house. Find simple things that give you pleasure.

Don’t underestimate the help of a professional when things are too complicated for you.

Photo by Marguerite Estoril PT

Marguerite

Links for you

UK’s Minister of Loneliness by Marguerite

Research

The History of Loneliness The New Yorker

The Health Consequences of Loneliness Very Well Mind

Signs and Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness Cigna